The cat revolution is coming. Here’s the guidebook.
Polina Klenova-Lenskaya, a writer at Batenka.ru, has drafted feline instructions for murder. Klenova-Lenskaya notes that there has yet to be a single confirmed case of a cat killing an adult human, but this is no evidence that cats couldn’t be homicidal, with the right training.
If you are a cat and you’ve decided to kill someone, the first thing you’ll want to do is seek inspiration. For this, it’s recommended that you watch the TV show My Cat From Hell, which showcases some of the most devilish feline exploits any murder-aspiring cat could need. This is the perfect place to learn a lesson from some of the most notorious, wild cat-killer myths around.
In her instructions, Klenova-Lenskaya recommends that you practice on a child—the smaller, more helpless human target—before trying to kill a full-grown adult person. “Once in a while, sink your teeth into his leg as a joke or try to claw him in the head with your paw,” one of the suggestions reads. Of course, as Klenova-Lenskaya points out, any aspiring killer-cat should remember that children want to kill cats no less than cats want to kill children. With that ever-present danger in mind, some felines might prefer to train on other animals.
Klenova-Lenskaya also suggests an alternative to murder: cats who don’t want to bear the weight of homicide can just as easily run amuck and bite everyone in sight.
Perhaps the most crucial part of any murder—and lots of people forget this—is how to dispose of the body. Cats don’t have too many options here, as the average human is hard to bury in an ordinary litter box. That’s why the only recourse is to eat the victim. This is something of a win-win, however, as cat-owners tend fall behind on scheduled feedings, after they’ve died.