The (best) worst in Eurovision history
Is Europe's biggest music competition a total catastrophe? Yes and it's mesmerizing.
On Saturday evening, May 14, a whole mess of pop musicians descended on Stockholm to compete in the final round of the 61st annual Eurovision contest. This annual festival very rarely hosts what might be described as decent music, but that doesn't stop hundreds of millions of people around the world from punishing their eyes and eardrums and tuning in to root for their countries. Another year of Eurovision has come and gone, and as we bid farewell to this bizarre competition and its strange music, Meduza celebrates some of Eurovision's most insane performances in recent memory.
Twin Twin — Moustache
This wild song song in 2014 by French performer Twin Twin was about mustaches. The song was mostly in French, but it doesn't take a native speaker to appreciate its celebration of men's face furniture. Notably, Twin Twin performed without a mustache of his own, though he did sport a sufficiently crazy hairstyle.
Ping Pong — Sameach
It's an established fact that the trash you find on Eurovision gets worse every year. But as far back as 16 years ago, the Israeli group Ping Pong seemed to have discovered the genre's garbage depths. Every single thing about its song “Sameach” was just awful.
Jemini — Cry Baby
The British pop-duet Jemini overlooked one simple musical nuance in its 2003 Eurovision performance: you're supposed to hit the notes when you sing a song. Basically, listening to “Cry Baby” was an impossible auditory task, and the visuals were thoroughly underwhelming, to boot. Jemini received 0 (zero) points in the Eurovision voting that year, finishing dead last. Deservedly so.
Daz Sampson — Teenage Life
Three years later, the Brits sent another unfortunate musician to the Eurovision stage. Thirty-two-year-old Daz Sampson did some rapping and showed us how the young folks boogie today. It was weird.
Jedward — Lipstick
It wasn't mind-blowing, it just blowed, when Jedward appeared in the 2011 Eurovision semi final, treating audiences to bizarre synchronized dancing, particularly inane lyrics, and a vocal act that left something to be desired. What sticks with you is the surrealism of the performance. And the shoulderpads. You can't unsee the shoulderpads.
Michalis Rakintzis — S.A.G.A.P.O.
In 2002, the Greeks tried to go meta and satirize Eurovision's trashiness with their musical entry. But it didn't quite come off, and the performance was even worse than they anticipated. In fairness, it was hard to have predicted singing and dancing this bad.
Dustin The Turkey — Irelande Douze Pointe
In 2008, Ireland decided to up the stakes of its Eurovision participation, sending a puppet turkey named Dustin to represent the nation. The poor turkey sang his heart out, but he didn't make it past the first semi-final.
No Angels — Disappear
In theory, the fairly popular German group No Angels should have crushed the competition at Eurovision in 2008. In fact, the group was hoping to regain its former glory with a sweeping victory. And their song wasn't bad, but the performance turned out to be a nightmare. All four singers seemed to be mercifully deaf to one another, and to themselves.
LT United — We Are The Winners of Eurovision
In 2006, the Lithuanian group wrote a song specially for Eurovision about winning the contest. The song's lyrics were literally “We are the winners of Eurovision! Cast your votes!” The song was expertly crafted to persuade people to surrender their support, but the message got garbled somehow and Lithuania did not take home that year's Eurovision championship.
And to those who have read this far in our stroll down Eurovision memory lane, may God have mercy on your souls.